Enneagram Test

Time to compare with my pre-trip identity, August 2013:

Enneagram Test Results
Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||||| 68%
Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||| 46%
Type 3 Image Focus |||||||||||||||| 70%
Type 4 Individualism |||||||||||| 48%
Type 5 Intellectualism |||||||||||||| 60%
Type 6 Security Focus |||||||||||| 50%
Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||| 72%
Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||||| 44%
Type 9 Calmness |||||||||| 34%
Your main type is 7
Your variant is social
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There are a lot of really ridiculous things you'd find if you looked in my Google searches.
Pregnancy signs, how to fix constipation, how to not be jealous are just a few of my less proud searches.

Thank god for the internet, though, or else I'd have to ask people :p I guess the internet is really an awful place (in a way), for people like me, who never want to admit their fears and faults.

Anyway, I have looked several times on how to build confidence. I don't consider myself UNconfident, but I sure wish I had a lot more of it. I know people trust me because I am honest, but I would like people to trust my capabilities because I show my confidence. The conflict here is that I also really prize modesty. I am pretty irritated by people who can go on and on about how amazing and perfect they are and how they are just kicking life's ass all the time (in a good way). I get angry and jealous when I hear these sort of things. I want to be just as stupid and naive and be able to go on and on about my good qualities too! Truthfully this is why I am so comfortable in a Japanese environment - my boss can see my good qualities without me having to speak them out loud. However, if I want to get a job at a different place, I am going to have to be able to talk about my good qualities. SO, I decided to push past some very regular, personal, and embarrassing Meg-thoughts here and try to reverse them with confident ideas.

1.) I am gorgeous. I have bright green eyes and an amazing smile. I have flowing long princess hair and clear skin. I have some pretty sexy curves and an ass I like to grab myself. I have a nice set of boobs and there is no reason for me not to feel flirty, sexy, fantastic, and confident about the physical image I show other people. I need to sit up straight and not hunch over to cover my body. I am so lucky! I am not overweight and I have soft skin and am very desirable.

2.) I am sexy. When it comes to behind closed doors, and sometimes public spaces (hahaha), I am very sexy. It's not something many people know about, but I have no worries about not being a satisfying partner whatsoever and that is because I am sexy. I do not go out of my way to please and in the end, I end up with admirers who would like a piece of this.

3.) I am brilliant. I can pick up anything I put my mind too. I want to cook? Bam, I can become amazing. I want to knit? Bam, there's a scarf. Hmm... that knitting is not interesting enough. Bam! I can knit a sweet pattern. I want to learn Japanese? No problem. I want to study abroad? I'm there. I want to move thousands of miles away to live by the ocean and live the glamorous life I've always imagined? Done. Want the perfect boyfriend? Oh dude I've got it on lock. Anything I want to do, if I care to do it, I can. Watch out world, if I care, you are all in a lot of trouble.

Ok, that's enough for now. Talking about these sorts of things are exhausting, don't expect this to happen again gaaaaaaaahhhh

Post Vacation

So what do I want to write, what to write...

I can't even say I hate DC. After a blissful week of gorging myself on sweets, sitting in the sun all day, taking trips, becoming lazy and soft, coming back to this place is really tough. It makes me worried that I've become 1.) too tough to relate to others if I'm here and 2.) too cynical and horrible to feel happiness outside of this place. Yes I like my friends. But honestly, I haven't laughed as much as I laughed this week in a long time. As strange as it is to say it, I laughed to much that my laugh sounded strange to me because it was unfamiliar. Do I really laugh so infrequently that I can't even recognize the sound of it? When did that happen?

Also, I feel really defensive about having such a great time. In fact, when I was leaving the ship today, I thought, "you know, I'm ready to get back." I almost even felt excited to go back to work. But this place... it's horrible. The helplessness you feel here although it's supposed to be one of the most powerful cities in the world (it's not) is overwhelming. I feel guilty for having fun while I was away. For forgetting that this world is cruel and terrible. It was so nice to get away from it, but how is it possible that I forgot? And how can I not be bitter about remembering? It's like I've forgotten how to breathe every time I think of it.

The thing is, unless you are in the thick of it, no one really cares about this place. Unless something uncomfortable touches your life, there is no reason for you to skirt around it. DC is full of people who think they are filled with importance, but they ARE NOT. But when I work here I am also filled with that naive and arrogant self importance, which is fed back to me. It's ridiculous because it is NOT IMPORTANT and NO ONE CARES. We've only been tricked into thinking what we do is important.

I don't want to go in to work tomorrow, but it's not that I don't want to do my work. What I really don't want to do tomorrow is tell anyone about my vacation and expect sympathy about what a shitty week they had. I don't want my week off, which softened my vulnerable heart, to be used against my spitefully. I don't want to catch up to a week of worthless emails while I try to do someone else's job on top of my own.

Long story short, reality bites and I'm already trying to find ways to avoid read life yay.

December 09, 2009

I made this list about what would be the ideal life two years ago. Although I am an ungrateful little git, I am pretty thankful I found this because it DOES show the progress I thought I hadn't made.


* I'd make decent money and would work with people that realized my hard work and valued me as a coworker and an integral part of the company.

* I'd have a car and a nice apartment space close to things such as a grocery store and maybe a coffee shop or a bar.

* I'd have my kotatsu and a cozy room for my own and a nice kitchen.

* I'd have people over for dinner and parties and I'd be able to afford to have them pretty often.

* I would cry only maybe 5% of the time I do now.

* I'd be able to take classes in either art, Japanese, or cooking.

* I'd have access to doctors I trust!

* I'd read books again. (Thank you Alwan!)

Half completed:

* I would have a job where I felt useful and didn't have to sit down all day. (I found a job where I am useful but unfortunately I do sit down all day)

* I wouldn't come home every day wanting to sleep, but rather I'd be energized to create and enjoy life. (I am tired after work every day, but I enjoy it too in a way)

* I'd get help with my depression and start taking medication; talk to a doctor about birth control and maybe stop taking that too. (Stopped the BC and going to see a psychologist next week.)

* I'd be able to afford to travel a little and visit friends from KGU.
I'd start running again. (I can't afford it yet but I should be able to soon... once this credit card is paid!)

* I'd have a planner filled with important dates and things to do.

Not yet completed:

* I might have a little kitten or pet.

* I'd be with someone that loved me but was also interesting, not clingy and that I loved back crazily in return.

* I'd get back into art by either drawing or doing stained glass.

* I'd be surrounded by lots of friends and people who knew me, that I liked and that liked to be around me. (I move too often...)

* I'd stop talking about myself all the time and want to help others more. (I fail here)

* I would like to know who I am and have confidence in my decisions.

Even though I am a bitter bitter girl, I really have a lot to be thankful for.

(no subject)

Since no one reads LJ anymore, I feel like I can be pretty candid right now. Thankfully people are addicted to their Facebooks and Twitters so I am free. Remember the days when it was really a special treat to be able to read your friends journal entries? Whole paragraphs at a time of full sentences, who would have thought of something so novel. Now when I read someone's blog, even that doesn't seem like a journal anymore - it's a story, meant for people to read, and completely reserved. What's the fun in that I'd like to know. Well, I suppose that's why all of my entries are locked to private now. What a world we live in, where all we say are senseless things and our true feelings stay locked up. Who knows how people communicate anymore.

Well, if this entry is anything, it is a confession of flaws. Because it's bothering my brain and I don't want to ruin any chance at beauty rest, I am going to lay it out right now. I used to be A BEAUTIFUL PERSON. At the time when I was a beautiful person, I felt a lot of inner turmoil and angst. But I was also PURE. Something about me was 100% sure in my purity. Sure I felt like an ugly shell on the outside and worthless on the inside, but I knew that my heart was golden and somehow that was enough. And somehow, through writing, I feel like I was able to convey that purity, that unabashed genuine flood of "I really mean it."

I can't say what the change was or how it happened. But somehow my heart has completely changed. I am filled with so much bitterness, defensiveness, anger, confusion, hate, and most fiercely of them all, ENVY. Of all the deadly sins, Envy has completely swallowed my entire being. Every time I meet someone else I am jealous. I and the worst is that I am jealous over others' happiness. Their joy. Something about it makes me so angry.

In a seemingly unrelated subject, let me talk hormones for a bit. No let's back up - let's talk relationships for a bit. They are related anyway, right? I have this boyfriend - my first boyfriend, my first time, my first REAL kiss, my first my first my first. My first boyfriend who I have been with for 4 years. And you know what our "relationship issue" is? That I am depressed that I will never get to fall in love again if I stay with him. Can we discuss this for a moment?

What does that mean. That sentence is 1000% true. I wish I knew how to talk to people about it without getting a funny look and them saying, "uh why are you together." Well that's because you DON'T hear me complain about how unwavering support, his gentle embrace, the way his body knows when I move in the middle of the night and follows me. You don't hear me complain about him dealing with my bad attitude, his listening to my problem, our shared love of food, his silly spirit, and his genuine GENUINE love for me. You don't hear me complain about ANYTHING GOOD. Just that, if he's the one (and I'd really like for him to be), that I will have to give up the chance of ever falling in love again. I won't be able to sit up all night wondering if that guy I want is thinking of me. I won't be doubting and second-guessing myself and double-checking my makeup in the mirror and sitting by my phone hoping for him to call or to pass by him on the street or run into him at the coffee shop. How do people who fall in love get over that? It can't be butterflies forever, can it? How can I be in a relationship with someone for this long and not feel sure about what I want.

Maybe it's that I have been given all of the time I could possibly ask for. I just wish I knew myself better so that I could be confident in what I want in my relationship. I am confused because I don't know if it's just that I don't feel like I deserve his love or if it's not there. There are a lot of reasons I could feel that way, a lot of them tracing back to my father. I always told myself after his treatment that I never ever needed a man. And I know now that I can truthfully say I do not need Brett. My feelings for Brett and purely desire for him to be near me. Which is pretty tough in a long distance relationship when you can't be next to each other. Not to mention (here's the hormone part), there are 2 distinct weeks of the month where I want to marry him, and 2 weeks of the month where I want to break up with him and run off with someone that makes my heart race.

How is it that I'm in a relationship and I feel so single? Whenever I say something about being single, my girlfriends ask me, "how do you know, you're in a relationship?" Because I am not married and I feel single even though I am not. Why is that so. It's just like even after losing my virginity, I still feel like a virgin. What is up with that.

I guess it really comes down to - do I stay with someone who is a prince (my boyfriend is a prince) and who is charming and I feel very platonic feeling for and who would make a VERY EXCELLENT LIFE PARTNER, or do I throw it all away to fulfill my Envy's wish to fulfill Lust? Lust that I hope will turn into love? It's like all of the time in my life I've spent being good - never dating, always getting good grades, scraping my up to get a good job, and now having the "perfect boyfriend," it all makes me want to scream. I don't want to try to be perfect anymore. I want to do something stupid and mess it all up. I want to have a one night stand and walk out of my job and hop on a plane.

I just feel like at any moment I am about to freak out. All of this rage and confusion and Envy is just boiling within me and I know somehow it's going to leech out. If it doesn't explode out first.

(no subject)

Just watched the ex-boyfriend that I just slept with last week make out with another girl and snuggle with her in the grass.

Feels awesome.


Dunning–Kruger effect
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The Dunning–Kruger effect is a cognitive bias in which an unskilled person makes poor decisions and reaches erroneous conclusions, but their incompetence denies them the metacognitive ability to realize their mistakes.[1] The unskilled therefore suffer from illusory superiority, rating their own ability as above average, much higher than it actually is, while the highly skilled underrate their abilities, suffering from illusory inferiority. This leads to the situation in which less competent people rate their own ability higher than more competent people. It also explains why actual competence may weaken self-confidence: because competent individuals falsely assume that others have an equivalent understanding. "Thus, the miscalibration of the incompetent stems from an error about the self, whereas the miscalibration of the highly competent stems from an error about others."[2]

The Dunning–Kruger effect was put forward by Justin Kruger and David Dunning. Similar notions have been expressed – albeit less scientifically – for some time. Dunning and Kruger themselves quote Charles Darwin ("Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge")[3] and Bertrand Russell ("One of the painful things about our time is that those who feel certainty are stupid, and those with any imagination and understanding are filled with doubt and indecision."[4][5]). The Dunning–Kruger effect is not, however, concerned narrowly with high-order cognitive skills (much less their application in the political realm during a particular era, which is what Russell was talking about.[6]) Nor is it specifically limited to the observation that ignorance of a topic is conducive to overconfident assertions about it, which is what Darwin was saying.[7] Indeed, Dunning et al. cite a study saying that 94% of college professors rank their work as "above average" (relative to their peers), to underscore that the highly intelligent and informed are hardly exempt.[4] Rather, the effect is about paradoxical defects in perception of skill, in oneself and others, regardless of the particular skill and its intellectual demands, whether it is chess, playing golf[8] or driving a car.[4]

New Goals

So I've been trying to toss around some new goals to accomplish. Although I don't feel like I have interest in many things, I have been making some small accomplishments. For example, for the first time ever, I am REALLY living on my own. It's a pretty wonderful feeling! Sure I took care of my finances without help from my family during uni, but I usually went home for the summer and even often kept my parents address as my main contact. Then, although I moved thousands of miles away, I was staying with my aunt and uncle and then Brett. Now I am on my own, have found wonderful roommates and have secured a little job, all on my own. I'm not making much and I'm still a little lonely, but I'm getting somewhere. Even if it's not as quick as I'd like, I am at least not crying every day like I was last year.

Anyway, goals.

So I was finishing moving in (ok, sort of a lie, I have one small bag left but all of the boxes are gone!) and looking at an old pamphlet that had been made as graduating seniors in high school. I found an excerpt of my goals, and despite not appearing on SNL, I had accomplished everything else on my list. A degree in international studies, working with a little graphic design, and living in Japan. I did it! And the funny part was that I did those things without remembering that they had been my goals in high school. I mean anyone that knows me knows that I switched my major 35u901347903 times and even as I was filling out my graduation papers, I switched it to International Studies as a last minute decision.

Seeing that pamphlet made me so happy!

So, although it's late, I want to make some goals. I really wish I had made some a few months before I graduated when I still had hope/ambition/dreams, but well, I can still make some :) Here we go!:

1.) Take the GRE (and do well, naturally)
WHY: Because having grad school as an option will help me make a decision about it
2.) If I go to grad school, NOT PAY FOR IT
WHY: I have told myself that I refuse to pay for it. Assistanceships (?), TA work, scholarship, grants - I don't care what it takes, I will not pay for it! I will not end up with the same student loan debt that freaks me out now.
3.) Explore grad school options.
WHY: What do I want to do? I have always wanted to work with the international community, but doing what? I'm actually tossing around the idea of doing grad school in Asia. Taiwan, China... it's probably time to learn Chinese. I'm not sure if I want to or not, but I know that with the way China is taking over the world, it would probably be very good to be able to feel comfortable with that culture. Plus I gave up on Spanish a long time ago haha ;)
4.) Continue DIY Projects
WHY: After cooking and exploring a career in culinary arts, my love has kinda wavered... but my desire to create has not. Since moving into my new room, I have painted, sanded, fixed, designed, and began to piece together my small accumulations into something peaceful and welcoming. It feels great! So I would like to continue fixing up old things and making them new. It's a pretty inexpensive hobby so I'm for it.
4.) Continue job hunting for something in HR
WHY: I love my job. But I am scraping by every month and with the student loans looming over me as well as a few debts here and there, the stress of my bank account may not be worth staying at this job for too long, no matter how much I like it.
5.)Explore Financial Advising.
WHY: I've always enjoyed math... the practical kind. In fact, I love things that have a practical use. And I also love advising people. It sounds sort of stressful (AKA loosing everyone's money....) but I think it would be something to look into. My mom always did say I'd make a great banker. Plus, I am really sick of being broke and feeling poor. It would be nice to figure out how to make and invest money in order to have a comfortable future and take care of my family. If I could make money maybe my family and I could take a vacation. I would love to be able to give them something like that.

Or I could just win the lottery :D
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(no subject)

Ok, so this is what's going on in Meg-brain:

I'm just feeling generally frustrated with my job search. I'm 23 and it's been about 2 years since I've graduated in I've moved from Japan to Lexington to Hawaii to Cincinnati to LA to Oceanside in the past 3 years and I'm getting tired of moving. I like my life living with Brett but I'm really upset of how I can't find a decent job near where we live together. I just feel like I have to choose between a relationship and a career and I'm not sure if I want to be with Brett forever but I do want to be with him right now. I don't want to compromise the rest of my life and me 4 years of hard hard hard work in university because I like one person that may not work out though. At the same time, I want a job but I just don't know what. I would like a job related to my major that offered me full time with benefits. I never thought that taking lots of random part time jobs would wear on my self esteem so much. I just assumed that if I worked hard in college and did lots of activities and internships that I would have my pick of jobs with good salaries and benefits but of course that was silly to think. I remember after graduation I worked for my dad for $9 dollars an hour and thought it was so low but since then I've worked for about the same and now have just been hired for a job that will pay me less. And when I worked for Dad I lived at home in Kentucky and now I live in CA where the cost of living is much higher and where I have to pay for my own things. I'm just really frustrated and discouraged and I'm starting to blame Brett for my problems because I feel like if I weren't with him, I'd have had more wonderful adventures and be making money and living creatively and maybe have falling in crazy love with someone else. It's not fair for him at all. I've been solidly job hunting for a little over 2 months now and still no bites other than this weird job sales job I was hired for that had me washing windows in the sun all day and trying to sell people to get the cracks in their car windshields fixed. It's been 2 years since I graduated from school and I have thousands of dollars in debt from an education that I had always been told would pay for itself. I know many wonderful things happened in college, but I have a lot of regret sometimes that I didn't do what I wanted to do, which was get a job right out of high school instead of getting a degree. I was so lucky to meet you though and some wonderful friends.

Then I get more frustrated and humiliated from "advice" I get. I know I'm just sensitive, but all advice like "join a temp agency" or "networking" makes me feel like people really think I'm just sitting at home sulking all day (which, to be fair, I am doing today). But I HAVE joined temp agencies and I DO tell people I know that I'm looking for a job.

I KNOW I have good things. I have a family that loves me and friends that care for me and a loving boyfriend who is supporting me while I look for a job. Those things are LUCKY. But without something to get me out of the bed in the morning and be with people that think I'm smart and clever and trust my ability to think critically, I feel totally stupid and lame and like a total deadbeat. I feel that since I can't speak Japanese fluently that my major is useless and therefore I'm useless too. By now it's been so long since I've taken Japanese that I don't know if I could go to grad school for it either. I'm putting all of my eggs in one basket right now while I cross my fingers for JET Programme. I feel like if I could get that and live in Japan for a year then I could get my life back on track. I could work on my Japanese and then maybe work for a Japanese company or go to grad school. But right now I feel like the dumb girl who mooches off her boyfriend. It's so lame I just want to feel smart again.

Brett said something interesting the other day. He said he had read a somewhere that children become adults when they start worrying about the future. I made a joke that I lost my childhood a long time ago... but then realized that in actuality, I felt more like I had lost my childhood recently. This might sound lame and overdramatic, but if it's true that children become adults when they lose the feeling of protection provided by parents and institutions (such as school), then in actuality I only became an adult very recently and have had a very bad reaction to the process. The problem is, the process of childhood to adult is when you can provide for yourself the protection that was once provided by those institutions. Since I haven't been able to, and instead have just been clinging to those institutions by still attending classes and living with/being supported by people other than my parents (my aunt and uncle, my boyfriend), then I haven't been able to completely become an adult. I'm in this strange limbo where I am clinging to safety and begging to be independent.

I guess what I need to do now is start setting goals. The thing is by now I have lost a lot of my pep that I used to have and the energy to achieve goals has kind of rushed out the window. I do have hobbies - I like to create in an artistic fashion, I love to cook, and I love the Japanese language and culture. These make me different than other people. But I want to be interested in more things and better at the things I am interested in. I need to practice! I like helping people with THEIR problems and am really sick of dwelling on my own all the time. I want to find my way fast so I can start helping other people. I also found a good article today here: that I think is a very good read and I really think it's helpful, at least to me. I don't know what I'm looking for but I want to be more satisfied. I guess that's it.
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