Since no one reads LJ anymore, I feel like I can be pretty candid right now. Thankfully people are addicted to their Facebooks and Twitters so I am free. Remember the days when it was really a special treat to be able to read your friends journal entries? Whole paragraphs at a time of full sentences, who would have thought of something so novel. Now when I read someone's blog, even that doesn't seem like a journal anymore - it's a story, meant for people to read, and completely reserved. What's the fun in that I'd like to know. Well, I suppose that's why all of my entries are locked to private now. What a world we live in, where all we say are senseless things and our true feelings stay locked up. Who knows how people communicate anymore.
Well, if this entry is anything, it is a confession of flaws. Because it's bothering my brain and I don't want to ruin any chance at beauty rest, I am going to lay it out right now. I used to be A BEAUTIFUL PERSON. At the time when I was a beautiful person, I felt a lot of inner turmoil and angst. But I was also PURE. Something about me was 100% sure in my purity. Sure I felt like an ugly shell on the outside and worthless on the inside, but I knew that my heart was golden and somehow that was enough. And somehow, through writing, I feel like I was able to convey that purity, that unabashed genuine flood of "I really mean it."
I can't say what the change was or how it happened. But somehow my heart has completely changed. I am filled with so much bitterness, defensiveness, anger, confusion, hate, and most fiercely of them all, ENVY. Of all the deadly sins, Envy has completely swallowed my entire being. Every time I meet someone else I am jealous. I and the worst is that I am jealous over others' happiness. Their joy. Something about it makes me so angry.
In a seemingly unrelated subject, let me talk hormones for a bit. No let's back up - let's talk relationships for a bit. They are related anyway, right? I have this boyfriend - my first boyfriend, my first time, my first REAL kiss, my first my first my first. My first boyfriend who I have been with for 4 years. And you know what our "relationship issue" is? That I am depressed that I will never get to fall in love again if I stay with him. Can we discuss this for a moment?
What does that mean. That sentence is 1000% true. I wish I knew how to talk to people about it without getting a funny look and them saying, "uh why are you together." Well that's because you DON'T hear me complain about how unwavering support, his gentle embrace, the way his body knows when I move in the middle of the night and follows me. You don't hear me complain about him dealing with my bad attitude, his listening to my problem, our shared love of food, his silly spirit, and his genuine GENUINE love for me. You don't hear me complain about ANYTHING GOOD. Just that, if he's the one (and I'd really like for him to be), that I will have to give up the chance of ever falling in love again. I won't be able to sit up all night wondering if that guy I want is thinking of me. I won't be doubting and second-guessing myself and double-checking my makeup in the mirror and sitting by my phone hoping for him to call or to pass by him on the street or run into him at the coffee shop. How do people who fall in love get over that? It can't be butterflies forever, can it? How can I be in a relationship with someone for this long and not feel sure about what I want.
Maybe it's that I have been given all of the time I could possibly ask for. I just wish I knew myself better so that I could be confident in what I want in my relationship. I am confused because I don't know if it's just that I don't feel like I deserve his love or if it's not there. There are a lot of reasons I could feel that way, a lot of them tracing back to my father. I always told myself after his treatment that I never ever needed a man. And I know now that I can truthfully say I do not need Brett. My feelings for Brett and purely desire for him to be near me. Which is pretty tough in a long distance relationship when you can't be next to each other. Not to mention (here's the hormone part), there are 2 distinct weeks of the month where I want to marry him, and 2 weeks of the month where I want to break up with him and run off with someone that makes my heart race.
How is it that I'm in a relationship and I feel so single? Whenever I say something about being single, my girlfriends ask me, "how do you know, you're in a relationship?" Because I am not married and I feel single even though I am not. Why is that so. It's just like even after losing my virginity, I still feel like a virgin. What is up with that.
I guess it really comes down to - do I stay with someone who is a prince (my boyfriend is a prince) and who is charming and I feel very platonic feeling for and who would make a VERY EXCELLENT LIFE PARTNER, or do I throw it all away to fulfill my Envy's wish to fulfill Lust? Lust that I hope will turn into love? It's like all of the time in my life I've spent being good - never dating, always getting good grades, scraping my up to get a good job, and now having the "perfect boyfriend," it all makes me want to scream. I don't want to try to be perfect anymore. I want to do something stupid and mess it all up. I want to have a one night stand and walk out of my job and hop on a plane.
I just feel like at any moment I am about to freak out. All of this rage and confusion and Envy is just boiling within me and I know somehow it's going to leech out. If it doesn't explode out first.