I can't even say I hate DC. After a blissful week of gorging myself on sweets, sitting in the sun all day, taking trips, becoming lazy and soft, coming back to this place is really tough. It makes me worried that I've become 1.) too tough to relate to others if I'm here and 2.) too cynical and horrible to feel happiness outside of this place. Yes I like my friends. But honestly, I haven't laughed as much as I laughed this week in a long time. As strange as it is to say it, I laughed to much that my laugh sounded strange to me because it was unfamiliar. Do I really laugh so infrequently that I can't even recognize the sound of it? When did that happen?
Also, I feel really defensive about having such a great time. In fact, when I was leaving the ship today, I thought, "you know, I'm ready to get back." I almost even felt excited to go back to work. But this place... it's horrible. The helplessness you feel here although it's supposed to be one of the most powerful cities in the world (it's not) is overwhelming. I feel guilty for having fun while I was away. For forgetting that this world is cruel and terrible. It was so nice to get away from it, but how is it possible that I forgot? And how can I not be bitter about remembering? It's like I've forgotten how to breathe every time I think of it.
The thing is, unless you are in the thick of it, no one really cares about this place. Unless something uncomfortable touches your life, there is no reason for you to skirt around it. DC is full of people who think they are filled with importance, but they ARE NOT. But when I work here I am also filled with that naive and arrogant self importance, which is fed back to me. It's ridiculous because it is NOT IMPORTANT and NO ONE CARES. We've only been tricked into thinking what we do is important.
I don't want to go in to work tomorrow, but it's not that I don't want to do my work. What I really don't want to do tomorrow is tell anyone about my vacation and expect sympathy about what a shitty week they had. I don't want my week off, which softened my vulnerable heart, to be used against my spitefully. I don't want to catch up to a week of worthless emails while I try to do someone else's job on top of my own.
Long story short, reality bites and I'm already trying to find ways to avoid read life yay.